Note to self: What I would tell the me of Yesteryear

On a long ride the other day I was thinking about what I learnt last season. It's always important to try and progress from past experiences and mistakes so here's my attempt. Hopefully I can take my own advice this season and be the better for it.

1) Don't roll up your shorts another inch, they're pretty high as it is and that extra inch is just too far!

2) Plan a mid season break now. You're going to crack mid season; you know you are because you always do, so make sure you've got something good to look forward to.

3) Don't bother taking a training bike, loads of clothes and other junk with you.You'll immediately break the bike and never bother to fix it and when not in lycra you'll resort to wearing awful holey undervests and boxers anyway!

4) Before every race be prepared to hit the deck, get ready for it. There's no point in being scared of it because it's going to happen, may as well be blasé!

5) Sleep more. Eat more. Stretch more.

6) Take lots of books to read and try and get some time to yourself as this might slow the rate of mental decline.

7) If in doubt take a pack lunch; motorway services are rubbish!

8) You're racing in Belgium. BELGIUM. You will need to buy a rain cape. (This will still apply this year because I'm certain Bretagne is just as wet as Belgium!)

9) Facebook is not a hobby so stop scrolling down endlessly and do something useful you bum.

Tricks of the trade

This post is mostly going to be a dedication to the things I’ve learnt (in sickness and in health) in this fine Belgian land of pushbikes. Hopefully it’ll provide some amusement and might even turn out to be useful advice for future riders.

Don’t panic. This works on so many levels. The beans on the hob are getting burnt, don’t panic: they only cost 47 cents! The break has just gone up the road without you, don’t panic: one of these over-energetic Flandriens will tow you across.

Roads are rough, tough and unforgiving. Riding over them sometimes isn’t that fun; skidding along them on your face never is. The minute you start worrying about that though you’ll be on your arse. The key is to retain a certain ‘joie de vivre’ even when brushing shoulders, bars and rear mechs with other riders and street furniture solid enough to incur involuntary shudders.

Pain cave: no soft landings here.

Yes you can ride the rim for the rest of your ride, but if you do it when you’re 15k from home you get a sore back. As I found out a couple of times this year when two spare tubes just didn’t covered it.  Just take it steady across level crossings because those babies will take you down!

What happens when you train on a flat.

It’s all in the head; unless you really are ruined. Then you should have a nap. I’ve found a few times this year I’ve felt absolutely smashed in, but then I’ve started some intervals and actually been going well. The human body is a weirdo and still manages to play tricks on me regularly.

Hell on earth.

No matter how much you’re suffering, you can still suffer more. The limiting factor of performance is almost always the mind, so don’t be a pussycat. And if it’s getting really tough remember one thing: at least you’re not working a 9-5, sitting your life away in a drab office, eating your way to obesity.