The signs of a good ride

We’ve all been there. You’ve just done the Mother of all rides. The Don. The Frankenstein.

No one has ever trained this hard, in the history of cycling, since the world began, period. You’re pretty sure that Chris Boardman did the same session that you just did when he was training for the world hour record in ’96, but with less reps.

So here are the signs that you’re a supremely driven, borderline sadistic, monster on two wheels.

1) When you get back from the ride no need to knock on the front door- your other half can hear you coughing from halfway down the street.

2) The two miniature steps to get into your house are a big effort; the stairs up to the shower are a no-no for the foreseeable future.

3) You convince yourself that this single show of training dedication will ensure total domination in the races next year… “No no, none of my rivals could ever train that hard… good as won already… It’ll be a case of just turning up…” you mumble to yourself in a feverish state of semi-comatose.

4)      All conversation is shunned by the immediate need to consume whatever food and/or liquid is within arm’s reach of your point of collapse. Instead, expect a faint gurgling sound to be emitted as cupboards are emptied.

5) The lower half of your kit is inexplicably covered in mucus. Obviously you were going too fast to notice how or when this happened. It’s sure to have made a great impression on the general public twinned with the lycra costume though, and needless to say it’s a huge hit with the girlfriend!

So there you have it, the signs of a good session.

Please note: I am not responsible for any shortening of lives and/or loss of partners due to striving to follow these guidelines.