01 March, 2012

Mind of a moron(?)

If you’ve ever wondered what goes through the mind of a rider when they attack from a long way out then wonder no more, because I did it last Sunday, and I’m here to spill the beans. Here is my inner monologue.

‘I’m feeling quite good now. I think I’m stronger than these other guys in the break. The bunch is getting pretty close. We need to go harder or we’re going to get caught. Ah what, there’s oil on my new white bar tape! This cross wind is getting pretty boring. Wow they know how to make bumpy roads in Belgium. I’m going to go a bit harder now and see what happens. Is anyone going to come with me? Oh that’s good that guy’s coming across to me: oh no he’s not. Is that the bunch behind? I’m going to look forwards now. Can I make it round this corner without braking? I can make it round this corner without braking. I’m not going to make it round this corner without braking! I should probably stay upright I think. How far is it to the finish? Not so far. Two laps from here, only two laps; that’s alright. How long was a lap again? 10km or so wasn’t it. Oh shit.

20k to go: Okay that’s it, nice big gear, push the pedals. I can’t see them behind right now, that’s good. Why is no one clapping? Belgians. Oh no there’s a crazy lady, my biggest fan.

19km to go: I feel good. This is easy! Maybe I’m not going hard enough, I’ll go a bit harder. I can’t breathe! Okay that’s too hard, easy tiger. This corner’s good because I can stop pedalling for a second or two. My ear’s itchy.

18km to go: Out of sight out of mind. This is fine; maybe if they catch me I’ll still be able to sprint anyway. Stay on the drops; that’s not back pain, that’s just character building stuff.

17km to go: How long is this lap? Have they sent me the wrong way because I’m not a Belgie? Maybe I should take the union flag stickers off my frame. They do look cute though.

16km to go: I haven’t changed out of the 11 in a while, what a big strong boy. I need to pee.

15km to go: This road is too straight, I need some corners soon. Omega Pharma are probably all on the front right now. Goodo.

14km to go: I know this hill. I attacked here once. Twice more up it and then I’m home and dry.

13km to go: That’s the bunch. They look pretty mad.

12km to go: Maybe if I celebrated as I went over the line this time they’d be nice and give me the win?

11km to go: Hey crazy lady! You’re my favourite.

10km to go: Next time round through the finish and I’ll either be very happy or very sad.

9km to go: Distance means nothing when someone means everything.

8km to go: This energy drink tastes funny. I can’t really see straight. Probably shouldn’t crash.

7km to go: If they catch me now I can definitely sit in and win the sprint. Definitely.

6km to go: What am I doing here? Am I enjoying this? Maybe I should get a real job.

5km to go: I must be close now. My legs are starting to go. Just once more along this crosswind section. Where is the bunch? I hope my legs look good on telly.

4km to go: Up this hill, out the saddle, power power power. MY LEGS FEEL FINE.

3km to go: Put it in the eleven. Don’t hit any stones. Are my brakes rubbing?

2km to go: Crazy lady, you’re a hero. Round this bend, don’t hit the curb.

1km to go: I can’t see the bunch. This is actually happening! I’ve just remembered why I do all the training and sacrifice stuff. This crowd is incredible; they’re going mad for it! This celebration is going to look so great on video! Hahahaha.'

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