I'm so Euro

I was born with a perfect bronzed complexion and no tan lines. Some said “Good God, that’s the worst case of jaundice we've ever seen” (the doctors). But I just knew then that I was destined to ride bikes in Europe.

I like to wear my arm and leg warmers at all times, no exceptions. Even if it’s forty degrees when I’m out training I won’t submit. It’s totally worth heat exhaustion for ‘le look’. It does get a bit tiresome trying to wash through them in the shower but you get used to it. How do I get my all over tan you might ask? Simple: I’m European baby.

A kindred spirit

I never show any kind of pain or exertion when cycling. If I feel the need to do so then I must be trying too hard so immediately ease up. The aim of sport is to portray a cool image of one’s self and it’s vital to remember this. At no point should you be seen to be trying.

I put my saddle right up, as high as I can, higher even. I saw Philippe Gilbert on the telly once; he rides bikes with pointy toes and he’s from Europe, so now I do too. I suffer with a few niggling aches; over flexion of the spine, chronic knee pain, severe fertility reduction, but we all do right?

Cycling - a high sperm count is so not Euro

Stuff that cyclists do but normal people would probably think is right weird

Hanging washing everywhere - enter at your peril. Potential injuries include chain ring slicing, bike frame tripping and being crushed by boxes.

I know where everything is: just don't test me.

Recovery outfit - I'm a renowned fashion icon in the Surrey / Somerset areas. It's kind of my thing.

Standard set of recovery socks right? Coupled with the obligatory dressing gown for an enticing combo

Insane food consumption - lots of exercise means lots of enforced eating. Well it's not really forced for me.

Victor Frankenstein and his monster

Tramp Foot - this is a little trick I learnt a few years ago whilst sleeping rough on the streets of Moscow (this is a fabrication). When getting dressed you do look like a crazy bag lady, but once you pull your oversocks up your feet will be windproof and toasty!

My choices today were Debenhams on the left and Pizza Hut on the right. Other bag manufacturers are available

With legs this smooth, how can I lose? It's all about looking Euro I've heard; being good is so last season.

Smoothest legs in the household. The socks are a big look too, obviously.

Peeing in public - it's widely accepted in the cycling community that peeing wherever you please is a-okay, particularly in Belgium. The only requirement is that you're in lycra and/or near a bike. 

It seems my wires got a bit crossed on this occasion.

Caught with my pants down